I'm Scaring Close To Insanity

I know we are, we are the lucky ones.

Tue, 31 May 2005 07:19:45 GMT

Lately I have been dramatic over everything.
Losing my best friend.
Is it possible that we were never really that close?
Sometimes it felt like we were.
Most of the recent times have felt like we were just tolerating each other.
AJ and his girlfriend just broke up.
Ryan and Katherine just broke up.
Ashley just told Kevin she couldn't be with him.
All this complete sadness.
I know how each one feels.
Not exactly how they feel, of course.
But I've felt that pain too.
My heart goes out to all of them.
I know it's trivial, but I seriously miss having a cat.
I have no one to sleep with most nights.
A cat would surely be a nice comfort.
I want to be loved everyday no matter what.
A cat would do that.
My fish doesn't really love me.
But I think he likes me more than he used to.
I can't wait until I get paid for the first time.
I am going to buy a whole bunch of AK3 shit.
And hopefully a lot of pills.
Maybe that is what has been missing from my life recently.
It sure makes sense.
I miss a ton of my old friends.
But there is no way I am picking up the phone.
I also want a pet tarantula.
And a pet millipede.
Those are so fucking rad.
I got my other AK3 tickets in the mail yesterday.
I cannot wait until my AK3 vacation.
If I can't get work off I will quit.
I spend money on shit I don't need.
I always regret it.
I always do it again.
I wish I was sick again so I could get some more pain killers.
I wouldn't care if I became addicted.
At least I would always feel nice.
My boyfriend really is great.
He is leaving.
I know that.
But it still makes me sad everyday.
Yay for being alone again.
It always happens just when you get used to being with someone, doesn't it.
And it hurts just as much everytime.
It never gets easier.
I am worried about my mom.
I am worried about the possible cancer.
I am worried she is going to get back together with Paul.
He will abuse her again.
She keeps going back to him.
Unfortunately, I understand.
I am worried that she will be alone forever.
But no one out there is good enough for her.
She is too special for anyone I've ever met.
But I want her to be happy, most of all.
I want to die before her, because
I don't ever want to imagine life without her.
Dr. Pepper is a really good drink.
It is the reason I haven't given up soda.
That and the fact that I am subconsciously
Trying to become obese.
I haven't read a novel in about a month.
That makes me feel kind of sick.
I'm done.
Blech.

Never pay the reaper with love only.

Tue, 31 May 2005 06:53:27 GMT

Maybe we are the lucky ones?

It's possible, right?

Fri, 27 May 2005 07:25:26 GMT

Ignore me please.

I am not worth it.

Fri, 27 May 2005 07:16:55 GMT

I am going to buy myself a kitten when he leaves. I will feel less alone.

I miss bleeding. I miss the feel of the blade on my skin and tasting the blood and the inevitable swollen cut it leaves. I miss the feeling of running my hand over the cut and feeling the sting. I miss the sting of the cut rubbing against clothing. Why is this?

I always feel like I am on the verge of crying, but I find it hard to let it out. I am constantly left with a lump in my throat.

I am disgusted by my obsession with my favorite band and the lead singer. Why can't I just respect them for their music and not feel like I am entitled to know every aspect of their personal lives? Let alone cry when I find out he's getting married. Isn't that a good thing for him?

My mother makes my heartbreak. Most of the times when I go to see her, she is so sad. She still loves my father and I believe she has hope that they will be together. She's so lost. And she's trying so hard to be happy. I love her so much. I wish I could take her pain away. I feel like my presence in her life has done nothing but drag her down.

Finally I can cry.

Stay by my side always?

Tue, 24 May 2005 05:44:40 GMT

I know you have to leave, but I wish it wasn't so.

I never want you to leave me.

You're a punk and I'm telling everyone.

Tue, 17 May 2005 17:45:03 GMT

I am terrified to turn in these applications today. I am afraid to speak with the managers. I don't know why. Well, it may have a lot to do with the fact that I have no self-confidence. I have no faith in myself when it comes to anything.

I will take a deep breath and turn these in and nail both jobs. I have to.

I have to.

So fragile, yet so tedious

Wed, 11 May 2005 23:35:45 GMT

I just totally threw up. I have been nauseated the past three days and this is finally the first time that I have thrown up on my own.

I'm kind of hoping that I have stomache cancer.

For some reason I want to die.

Sean is the only person who reads this, therefore he is the only one who really knows this. I'm sorry.